10th of March 2010
FREE YOURSELF WITH FORGIVENESS
I have two completely different scenarios with similar endings that press the exact same points about FORGIVENESS. Most souls among us do not understand how freeing it is to let go of the pain giving way to forgiveness. We have never learned how to properly forgive others when they have transgressed against us. The saddest part of that lesson we refute is that once we understand how to truly forgive others, we may even have the compassion to forgive ourselves!
SCENARIO 1:
My last boyfriend and I were recently pushed back in contact with one another. It has been eight years since we last saw the other and I was floored when a respected friend and college told me, "You're Ex is the key to you going back to work!" I was told that I needed to call him and that while he was over our relationship and devoid of any resentments, he still harbored guilt over something that she did not understand.
I told none of our mutual friends out of respect not to tarnish his name to them that in the last eighteen months of our relationship, I purchased a condominium for the two of us in Montreal, Québec, Canada. It was originally supposed to be a getaway place, but with the downturn of the economy in 2001, we had to look for alternatives in hopes of remaining a couple. He was more aware of the economic slides and saw the effects it would have on his working in the United States with a visa while I remained lost in the love that was once us. I never saw us apart nor did I expect that we would ever separate until the end of our perspective lives. However, my boyfriend was already working on his exit strategy from our relationship and gleaning what trinkets he might carry with him during the process. That included the condominium that I paid for that he placed within his name, but also in the name of his brother to keep me from taking it back. Before I could realize what was happening, he absconded as much that he could get me to pay for.
I was deceived and manipulated by the one I loved with all my heart. That, more than the loss of the money, took me years to resolve. The deception wasn't something slight, but very methodically done to give him a home for himself in Canada that I paid to put him in. To make matters worse, he brought his brother into his dishonesty to ensure I couldn't or wouldn't go after it. He did the same for the car he drove in Canada and we're not speaking about the car in Boston, the trips I paid for, the clothing I bought or even the watch so prevalently displayed in his FaceBook picture (LOL). In total, I calculated more than $86,000 reasons for him to feel guilty.
I was not exactly thrilled to hear the news that stopped me mid breath. It took me a couple of days to wrap my head around what I was being instructed to do and to understand why I would be told to contact a man that made it abundantly clear he could never speak with me again (selfish of him to neglect communications because he can't face what he has done). Originally, I was told that he would get me a professional job (technology project manager) and my response was; if he assist in me going back to work, that won't have anything to do with the money he owes me. I was swiftly corrected – that is exactly what it means! It took me a day or two longer to digest the latest information and be able to truly understand that this was a means for him to forgive himself once in for all.
I try to help so many other souls open themselves spiritually that when a situation faced me that wasn't logical, but rather spiritual, I was annoyed at how slow I was to recognize the signs. I've explained to those who believe and those who don't; the wheel of Karma ceases to spin at the end of this lifetime. That means that no soul can carry forward any existing or past contracts or debts and everything must be paid in full before leaving this world. The fraud perpetrated upon me by someone I loved was him signing an energetic contract between him and me. This was the perfect opportunity for him to erase that contract without paying for anything while it was putting me back to work professionally. I'm good at what I do professionally and I love working, so I picked up the phone and called my Ex.
For weeks I've tried to communicate with him and explain what is expected of him and how it sets him free from me forever, but he still refuses to actually have a conversation. I've sent emails and voice messages only to be ignored through his fear to accept the actions he so diabolically deployed against me. The point I hate the most, is that he is not failing me, but rather he is failing himself. The good that is happening to him is deserved and he has worked hard over the past eight years to build a better life for himself. He is in a position to hire me or refer me for a job, and yet he would tempt fate because of his own inability to forgive himself. I forgave him years ago and while forgiveness does not excuse the debt he owes; I let go of the pain and sorrow. His inability to let go of his own actions expresses exactly how methodical he planned his deception. If he were truly able to forgive himself, it would be easy for him to have accepted the terms drawn up by outside sources that neither ties him to me or me to him.
SCENARIO 2:
I have many friends throughout MySpace and FaceBook and I speak with most of them. There are several that over the years I have gotten to know closely. This friend is one that I've become very familiar with. In the process of getting closer, we have shared many intimate details of ourselves with the other. He is straight or maybe bi-sexual, but comes from a large family with a father who is a preacher. The children of religious leaders can find it particularly difficult to create their own sense of self. It is too arduous to walk so perfectly the path laid out by their parents and live the example of a life that in most cases their parents can't even maintain. They are either so perfect that outwardly the only environment they fit in is the church itself, but inwardly they are ripped apart with the thoughts rambling about in their own heads. Duality in living becomes a constant companion to the children of religious leaders and their parents can't fathom the damages caused with expectations of perfection without any forgiveness.
This friend I fear will not find peace within his own life because he can't ever let himself be fully free from the binds of his family, the church, God or even from himself. He lives in fear that his very presence degrades the perfect family image or the sanctity of the church. Living any life with duality takes a toll on a person. When you fear discovery from your own existence and who you really are as an individual, it adds such difficulties to the life that you end up living cloistered away from it all. It feels like you live a lie and yet, you would do anything to ensure the image of the family is never tarnished…even at the risk to your own life.
My friend has thoughts he can't express, not even to himself. The fear that an ailing mom or preacher dad or any of the numerous siblings might actually find out what he hides within his own mind is worse than death. That is why during the last holiday season after I left a comment that could be construed as suggestive; his response was hyper sensitive by him deleting my profile and friendship. When some of his siblings questioned the comment and my homosexuality, the fear that they might know anything secretive about him moved him expeditiously to separate me from them in hopes to keep his narrow minded family from looking any deeper than the surface.
His dissociative behavior is almost textbook and his life seems aimless, like he can't put anything together. He has low to no self esteem. These are the life patterns of someone who was raised by abusive parents, and yet his are loving and caring Christians. I was called eventually and kept hearing how sorry he was and how he regretted his hasty actions. Upon explaining how he needed to accept responsibility for his own actions, we continued our online friendship. It has not found its way back to the way that it was before and I am constantly barraged with apathy from someone who just wishes to be understood.
I've tried to tell him that he need not apologize and he does not require my forgiveness; neither are necessary for his actions did not warrant them. He is so confused and turned around inside out that he cannot even begin to allow himself to be just exactly who he is. He cannot forgive himself for what he feels may be the toxins within him when the only thing that is toxic is the self judgments and those family members who would dare to judge. I can only hope and pray that some day he might be honest and sincere with himself regardless of family or church. Anyone that truly and unconditionally loves another soul should want them to be exactly who they were born to be and nothing less.
In both scenarios neither man can grant forgiveness to themselves because neither of them will take the time to see the skeletons within their closets for what they truly are. Before we forgive ourselves, we must acknowledge our role and accept what we've done to another soul. That within itself will open many doors allowing the stale air of injustice to move out so that a fresh perspective may usher forward true, unbinding forgiveness. We will do things that hurt other souls while we traverse our lives on earth. It is inevitable that our actions will not always be in the best interest of others. When these events occur, we owe it to ourselves as well as those souls we harmed to forgive ourselves and then request forgiveness from them. The prior acts will give confidence and self acceptance for the latter to occur.
When we honor ourselves in the process of forgiving, we find it within our own hearts to LOVE, HONOR & RESPECT who we are as people and who we are evolving to be. We also identify those we harmed as we learned the lessons we agreed to learn upon our birth. It takes courage to set yourself free from the shackles and bindings of our past actions. Courage that will add self confidence as it starts stripping away at the darkness surrounding you. The lack of forgiveness is to enshroud one's self within darkness as you defile who you are meant to be. Learn forgiveness and learn to set yourself free!
Your humbled servant – Todd M Dobson
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