Dreams, Nightmares or Hopes

04th of May 2008

DREAMS, NIGHTMARES OR HOPES

I normally don’t dream or more to the point, I don’t ever remember my dreams. So, when I wake up multiple mornings in a row with the same series of events taking place in my head, I had to wonder were these dreams, were they fantasy or were they simply hope?

Given the arduous state of affairs that I find myself in yet again, my life seems to be stabilizing and yet there are still amazing highs and disastrous lows. I haven’t thought about finding someone to love in seven years and for multiple reasons, but as my life appeared to be stabilizing professionally and financially, I have been entertaining and wishing for the day when I can start to date again.

Oh I’ve longed for a warm pair of arms reaching around to hold me. I know there is another person for me to love and when I am a whole person again, when I can love that person fully and unconditionally; I know we will find one another. I’ve never wanted to be taken care of and neither do I want to be the person who takes care of someone. Love will do that from time to time and I will gladly carry my spouse for any time we deem it necessary or desire, but I have always wanted a balance in my mate. To look for someone who can put up with all of my many quirky idiosyncrasies, as I will gladly do the same for them. I want an equal, someone who will challenge me while they allow me to continue to grow, but someone with whom I can do the same.

That is why this dream alarmed me so because I allowed myself to think of the possibility that someone would offer more to me. It was so visual and life-like that I could easily swear it actually happened and yet I know none of it transpired. But, a MySpace friend that I’ve been writing back and forth to for the better part of a year resurfaced after a several month sabbatical. I thought this person moved over-seas for work and was looking forward to the day that we would reconnected again. When we first met, I immediately noticed amazing good looks, but I found an extremely well educated professor.

When we first met online I could tell there was something being held back, but I received this sensation that this person could have profound affects on my life. This sense has never been wrong before, so I wanted to get to know this person better. We exchanged messages and some of them were pointed, but I heard precise feed back on my blogs and my perspective that most people are unable or don’t feel they can give. I enjoyed our exchange of words and liked getting to know this person better. We discussed once the possibility of meeting, but due to the distance between us, never made any real efforts to comply. So I was energized when I heard from them again recently.

Our interactions this time were amazing, wonderful and spirited with me immensely enjoying, but I was equally blown away when after hearing many accolades about my writing, I heard an offer that almost brought me to tears.

In my dream I was offered an opportunity to focus on my writing and not worry about money or a job. My dreams teased me greatly as I heard that I could focus on cultivate my newly found gift by publishing my books and blogs for the world around us. While I had never wanted to lounge around, I found myself pleased and at peace with such an amazing proposal from a beautiful and highly intelligent person. I had never once wanted such a gift and yet, I found that I was greatly encouraged by such a profoundly tremendous gesture, if only in thought.

Needless to say I was enthralled by such a recommendation and wanted to meet the person who would make such a gesture site unseen. We made arrangements to meet over the weekend and we were both overtly excited as the week drew to a close. I was giddy in fact at this opportunity and even though I had not heard from my benefactor by the Thursday before giving me direction, an address or even a phone number; however, I foolish packed up and drove to another state in the hopes of meeting such a person. I am waiting in a coffee shop just off campus not sure if I would hear from my gift or not, but still hopeful and wishing for faith to be at my side.

I finally receive a phone call and instantaneously I feel the weight of this conversation as I’m told due to other obligations, we can’t meet as planned. My first thoughts were, oh my gosh I’m such an idiot, but as I curiously listen I remained hopeful that sincerity was a core to this person that I just drove hours to meet. I obtained a hotel room in a place I’ve not been too in forever and again reach deep inside my soul for the faith in the goodness within this person who was offering to profoundly affect my life. I stay in town and remain cautiously excited about what tomorrow would bring me.

I woke the next morning excited for my evenings in front of me and wearly spent the next ten hours waiting to hear from my desirable benefactor. As the day progresses, my thoughts drain from excitement down to concern and then further to gloom. The hours I spent in the car driving home only deepened my anguish to despair as I cruised closer to the place of duality for me, home and a prison all in one.

In my dreams I always wake not knowing what to think and not knowing if I should be happy for remembering my dream…was it a nightmare instead….or were these simply the hopes of delusions. I just can’t see what it is that I would hope for that might cause such anguish inside of me!

Your humble servant – Todd M. Dobson