30th of September 2006
The Importance of Family
I speak with my mother once or twice a week to find out how she and all the other family members are doing. When I left home at the age of seventeen years old, I really did not expect our relationship to be the only bond that ties me to the family; however, it is a pleasant surprise none the less. You see, I left home on January 15th, 1985 at the young age of seventeen years old because my family ostracized me at the tender age of fifteen after finding letters confirming my homosexuality. Most days everyone in the family just ignored me and when they did speak, they were nasty, spiteful and demeaning (like my brother telling me he was going to beat the shit out of me to show the world what a fucking faggot I was); so I left home as soon as I could.
Here I am at 39 years old and the past four years I found myself in a very familiar place with my family. No one speaking with me and when I become the subject of conversation, it is not in a positive manner. My mother has made a huge effort to keep in touch even at the risk of alienating herself from the others. They seem to be guided by my eldest sister (Kimmy) and while I can only make assumptions, I presuppose that when I dared to question the veracity of my niece (Melanie, Kimmy’s daughter) several years ago over missing money, I did the unforgivable sin in the family and went from the favorite brother to the same throw-away kid I was at the age of fifteen years old.
I’m OK with my family’s ostracizing me and I have come to see how my mother’s attempt to keep some semblance of peace amongst our family members is truly worthy of recognition. Before the past four years I always credited Kimmy for holding the family together. I saw her in the role as matriarch and making sure everyone and everything was in its place. It is amazing the clarity that comes with depression and psychotic rage, but after moving back home my eyes were opened to how distance can really change the images people are capable of viewing. This is not meant to hurt Kimmy, but that is what I feel to be true deep in my heart. Her need to control is not entirely her fault; it is a traite that we all were taught by our parents and how we were raised. My oldest sister never learned how to turn it off and I am fearful that it will be one of the things that causes her anxiety later in life. However, back in the real world, she refuses to speak with me and I assume it is due to my inability to beg for her forgiveness. Instead of it ending between she and I, the remaining family members are suppose to follow suit with having the same problems with me that she does.
My soul was devastated for the second time in my life as my second family outing was coming to bare it was during a time when I needed my family the most. They choose to excommunicate me for very ego centric reasons adding to the density of the clouds that surrounded my heart at the time. The actions resonated strongly with my previous experiences as I struggled to come to terms with my homosexuality at the youthful age of fifteen years old. Then and now my family responded with exorcising me from their midst rather than understanding and loving me all the same. I did this time as I had the first time; dug deep in to my heart and soul finding what I could to support myself until I could rebuild my confidence without the comforts of family.
In my isolation imposed by the family who should love me unconditionally, I relied on the only person I have ever known to truly be there for me during at all times…me. It saddens me because families are the people you should be able to count on no matter what. You try new things and they work, great the family is there to cheer you forward. If they don’t work, the family is there to lend support no matter the unsuccessful attempt. I could psychoanalyze our family and the problems we have with dysfunctions by the plethora, but that will take far too long and is the focus of other blogs.
I was forced to revisit the pain I suffered in both of my previous encounters, because I have done my part to perpetuate my hermit status. No, neither Kimmy, my brother (Kenny) nor my oldest niece (Melanie) speaks with me at the current time. I have become OK with their silence, but based on their non-verbal eloquence it seems I have isolated my innocent younger niece (Britney). My mother is attempting to get me to call Kimmy and my younger sisters (Tonya); however I am not sure I want too. When does a person state enough truly is enough?
When is the pain caused by family too much to bear and deliverance is the proper solution to the quandary? My inability to come to peace with this conundrum has me struggling with these questions daily. If I bend to the Kimmy’s desires, then she maintains the tight controls she wields over this family and no one else will ever challenge her authority. She started my isolation when I questioned the veracity of Melanie while refusing to beg for her forgiveness for such an act. This affects Britney as my stubbornness refuses to accept Kimmy’s authority over all other family members. I have done to my niece what the family does to me by cutting her from my life. She is a beautiful and innocent child who does not deserve to loose family members when she has not made any choices pertaining to me…for that I must beg her forgiveness.
My mother’s attempts to support the erosion in our family by making me think of our consequences instead of allowing me to wallow in the self pity was a necessary slap in my face brought about because for another year I was not invited to Britney’s birthday (which I was not because every family event must take place at Kimmy’s house, she must choose the menu but then complain because she has to do everything). I was speaking with my mother and mentioned that I would bring Britney’s card by her house when she said I need to call her. My mother chastised my neglect from her life and from doing the things we use to do like date night. When I was in the good graces of my family, I would take Britney out on a date. She and I would go out to dinner or a movie and I would let her choose the venue and the actions. We always had such a good time together and I found in that moment of reflection the longing I no longer allowed myself to feel for missed family events.
I bought a new card for Britney’s birthday changing it to also include a request for a date which occurred tonight. When I spoke with Britney on the phone she seemed very distraught at first like she was uneasy talking with me. I am sure before she called me the discussion was another tirade on my faults and inadequacies by her mother Tonya and I could almost feel the inner struggle as this beautiful child was deciding what to do with my offer. I directly asked if she was OK and if she wanted to go to dinner and she said yes. She opened up a little after that on the phone, but it was not until tonight that her wonderful personality really became present. We had a great time as I asked her if she would like to do this again in two weeks and possibly even every two weeks.
This little girl has the right to grow up without isolation and control from all of the adults in her life. She needs to see there is a better way of life. My heart and my soul go out to this beautiful little girl while I prey for the best her future can bring her. Family is supposed to be the most important support any person should have and I want my Britney to know she has me there when ever she needs me.
Love Uncle Todd
